Five on Friday!

1. We started the Resurrection Eggs on Wednesday. I'm really excited to start this tradition. I know she is really young this year but she has been excited to open up each new egg each day and loves to play with the objects in them.

2. We went to the Fort Worth Nature and Science Museum with some friends of ours and played in the children's museum area for the whole morning. E loved it! She had fun driving the ambulance, playing in the water, shopping at the grocery store and looking at the lizards and snakes. We will definitely be back again.

3. I finished reading The Elite book this week. It's the 2nd book in a series, and the last book comes out in May. I've enjoyed the series. It's cute and a fast read. I definitely recommend them.

4. So last week How I Met Your Mother had their series finale. Some people loved the ending and some people hated it. I was in the latter category - I was NOT a fan. I was so so upset that they killed off Tracy and put him back together with Robin. Well I found out that they filmed an alternate ending and to see it you have to buy the season 9  DVD. You better believe I will be buying it to satisfy my need for a different ending.

5. A local library had bunnies and baby ducks to pet on Wednesday. E loved it and kept running back and forth from the ducks to the bunnies. She cried when her 5 minutes was up. It was so sad. I just love getting to watch her excitement over the little things.

Happy Friday everyone!

Infertility, Loss, and a Beautiful Miracle

I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner today to talk about infertility. I've never written out my full story but I hope those who are going through the trenches of infertility can read this and have hope! I'll try to keep it short and sweet =)

First off though, I want to send all of those struggling a huge virtual hug. I know what you are going through. I know the months of longing for a child and seeing all your friends get pregnant, have the baby, and sometimes even watch them get pregnant again. And there you sit with your arms still empty. My heart hurts for you. Please feel free to send me a message if you just need someone to commiserate  with you.

Jason and I decided to start trying for a family in December 2009. I got off the pill and quickly became obsessive over charting. After a few months of having no cycle, I decided to see my OB to make sure everything was ok. She prescribed Clomid for 3 months to see if that would jump start my body and help me to conceive. Three months and three negative tests later, my OB referred me to reproductive specialist. We went to the RE doctor where I was diagnosed with PCOS, but we had a game plan, and I left hopeful. In August 2010, we had our first IUI and 2 weeks later found out we were pregnant! We were ecstatic and so thankful. The next 13 weeks went by fast, and the next thing I knew we were at our last 1st trimester appointment. Jason and I were excited to see our little one on the screen that day. I remember that day vividly - the tech pulled out the wand and begin taking measurements but was really quiet. She left the room and came back in with the doctor who told me they couldn't find a heart beat. He was gone  - just like that. I had a D&C and begin to grieve the little one we would never know this side of heaven.

Two weeks after our loss

We went back to my RE who told me that the miscarriage shouldn't have happened that late since he was genetically normal, and we had seen the heart beat 3 separate times. He wanted to run tests on me. Two months later, we found out that I had several clotting disorders that  possibly could have caused a clot in the placenta. The fix was extra folic acid, a baby aspirin and heparin every day in our next pregnancy. The next few months were filled with 2 failed IUIs and recovering still from our loss. In July 2011, our 4th IUI was a success and we were pregnant again! I felt like everything was under control with this one. I couldn't wait to meet our little one in just 9 short months.

But that was not the plan that happened. A week later we lost our 2nd baby. To say that I was depressed was an understatement. One miscarriage I could handle but now 2. Two. I was in the category of women that no one wanted to be. A statistic. My heart was heavy. We headed to NYC soon after, and I drowned my sorrows in good food and Starbucks coffee.




We decided to take a break that fall because I couldn't handle any more heart break. After Thanksgiving we decided to start trying again, and we had our 5th IUI in December. The day after Christmas we received the best news - we were pregnant! Those 9 months were the longest months of my life. To be honest, I was always so nervous something was going to happen. But GOD IS SO GOOD and in August 2012, we welcomed the most wonderful beautiful miracle into the world. Our little E. She is a living testament to God's faithfulness.

I hope you find encouragement in this story. That even in the despair that you're happy ending is coming. I always found it encouraging that throughout the Bible there are stories of women who were infertile (Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth) and yet God saw them and he heard them and He granted their requests. He hears your cries to become a mother. God is so faithful and He has not forgotten you. I'm praying for you even if I don't know your name.

What a difference a year makes!

A year ago, I walked into the bathroom in the hotel we were staying in to take the test that I had worried about for 2 weeks since our IUI. Would it be two lines or one? Those two minutes were the longest of my life, but after those two minutes I saw the most wonderful thing: TWO LINES!! I remember praying over that stick thanking God for this miracle and asking Him to protect the little one growing inside of me. Then I ran out to tell Jason and he prayed as well. We were so excited. A year later - I have the most wonderful gift- my precious daughter E. I'm so thankful God chose Jason and me to be her parents, and I will spend the rest of my life telling her how much I love her but most importantly how much God loves her.

New Life!

So there is a reason that I have been MIA for the last couple of months. Believe me I have missed being on here but there are reasons =). One - I spilled a whole bottle of water on my computer. It was a very sad day. It was gone for over a month getting repaired but I finally have it back.

Now for reason #2 and it's a really big reason:

We're pregnant!!!

We are so thankful for this precious gift of life that we have desired for over 2 years now! It's been a long journey full of heartache and pain but it brought us closer together and brought us closer to Jesus.
We are due September 3!!

Now if you do the math - that puts me at 19 weeks tomorrow!! We waited a long time to tell anybody because of our history. Our parents didn't even find out until 13 weeks, and then we have slowly been telling friends over the last month and a half. (If I forgot you, please forgive me it wasn't intentional!)

 I think I'm finally starting to relax a little bit but let's face it - I probably won't breath a full sigh of relief until I'm holding that baby in my arms, and then I'll have a whole slew of other things to worry about - ha! We are trusting in God for we know that He is fully in control and knitted this baby together.

I'll be back later to talk about everything up until now - along with belly pictures! There will be alot of posts so don't feel like you have to read them. It's more for my memory and documentation and for family too =).

BUT before I end this, I just want to say that if anyone has read this that my be struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, please know that I feel your pain and by no means want to cause you further pain by what you are reading. Jason and I know the pain of desiring a baby so desperately and going through loss (twice) while watching others get pregnant and have babies so easily. Know that I may not know you by name but you are in my prayers.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

Happy Easter!!

There in the ground his body lay. Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious day UP FROM THE GRAVE HE ROSE AGAIN!

And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am his and He is mine
BOUGHT WITH THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF CHRIST!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

To my baby in heaven

My sweet precious baby:

Today would have officially been your due date. From the day your daddy and I found out that we were going to have you, we were so excited. We had waited for a long time to finally have the chance to become parents, and we were so ecstatic that it was going to be with you.

We wondered what you were going to look like. Would you have mommy's blue eyes? Your daddy's smile? Would you be bald until the age of 2 like both your parents? We couldn't wait to hold you and take care of you. You made your mommy very sick, but I pushed through it knowing that the reward at the end would be worth it. (I only threatened to ground you once when you had made your momma throw up for the third time in one day =) ) Then that fateful day in November came, and we found out that you were no longer with us. It was the worst day of our lives. We were so sad that we weren't going to be able to wipe your tears, kiss your boo boos, make you laugh til your sides hurt, and watch you grow into the child of God you would become. We still cry when we think of all the memories we won't get to make with you this side of heaven.

But my dear sweet child, we can only be sad for ourselves because you get heaven! You won't ever feel pain, disappointment, sorrow or sickness. And most importantly, you get Jesus. We smile when we think of Him holding you and that you get to rest in His presence. How can we be sad about that my little one??

I want you to know that your daddy and I will never forget you. We miss you every day. Your siblings will know about you and how you got to go ahead of us into God's kingdom. We can't wait for the day that we get to be together again and be in God's presence together worshipping Him for all eternity. That will be a joyous day that lasts forever.

We love you with all our hearts,

Mommy and Daddy

He is Risen!!!

But the angel said to the women. "Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he is risen, as he said. Come see the place where he lay." Matt 28: 5-6

CHRIST HAS RISEN!! HE HAS RISEN INDEED!!!

O death, where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church, come stand in the light!

The glory of God has defeated the night!

O death where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church, come stand in the light!

Our God is not dead, He's alive!! He's alive!!!

As we sang this bridge last night at church, I became completely overwhelmed with God's love and power! Jesus is alive!! Because he is alive, he has overcome death and defeated sin. Because of that as a believer, I have hope of eternal life with Him. He has imparted righteousness to me, praise His name!!! How exciting is that?!! There is nothing sweeter, nothing more beautiful, than Jesus' resurrection!!

HAPPY EASTER!!

HOPE

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produced character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5: 3-5

No one was more excited for 2010 to be over than me. Ok - I am sure there are other people more excited but trust me I am up there on the list. Last year was a very hard year for me and Jason. To be honest, probably one of the hardest years of my life. There was a lot of pain and heartache, a lot of stress, and a lot of waiting on the Lord for his timing and perfect plan.

In May, Jason got offered a job that would have giving us financial stability so that I could be a stay at home mom when the time came. After several weeks of prayer and fasting, we accepted the job that would start in September. In May, I also started taking fertility drugs to start trying to have a family. The summer was filled with Jason studying for his certification and me - taking more fertility drugs only to be discouraged every month when the test showed negative. In September, Jason started his new job and we found out we were pregnant!! We were so excited and couldn't wait to become parents. Things began to progress well and I was vomiting pretty much every day without medication and yet I was so excited that it was happening because I knew that it was a good sign.

Then, some things happened at Jason's new job and they weren't able to keep him on full time. The Lord completely provided, however, and Jason was able to get a contract job really quickly to cover finances until a full time job appeared. And then on November 11, Jason and I went in for our 13 week sonogram, and we found out that our little precious baby had died two weeks prior. To say we were beyond devastated was an understatement. I felt like my heart had been ripped apart and to make matters worse I had to have a D&C to take out the baby because it was unsafe for me to miscarry on my own. The few weeks after the devastating news were a blur. I ached for the baby that I was no longer carrying and cried ALOT. Everything reminded me that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

BUT through all of these trials, God has been very near. He has not left us and I find great comfort in that. God knew that what happened at Jason's job was going to happen before we did. He prepared a way for Jason to accept another job that will give him great opportunities and we are very excited for him to start it in a couple of weeks. God knew the days that our baby had before we did. He gives life and He takes life. He knew that on November 11 that we would hear the saddest news of our lives and in his love and mercy, he surrounded us with a wonderful group of believers who prayed for us, brought us meals and cried with us as we grieved the loss of our child. God's love was so very near that it brings tears to my eyes to write of all that he has done for us. The past month I have cried out to God so many times to find comfort in Him and to fill me with a joy that can only come from Him. And through all of this, God has continually brought me back to the word hope.

But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. Ps. 71: 14, 20

Hope. What a beautiful word. Hope that through all of my sufferings that it will get me more of Jesus. Hope that this life isn't all there is - that there is a greater eternal life waiting for me because I have put my hope in Christ's death and resurrection. Hope that my God is faithful and will never forsake me. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for the blessing of a child in God's perfect timing. Hope. I don't know why this happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven, but what I do know is that I have experienced my God in a completely new way and I would never change that in a million years. My prayer is that my hope would be in Christ alone - no matter what does or doesn't happen. For nothing else truly matters.