First off though, I want to send all of those struggling a huge virtual hug. I know what you are going through. I know the months of longing for a child and seeing all your friends get pregnant, have the baby, and sometimes even watch them get pregnant again. And there you sit with your arms still empty. My heart hurts for you. Please feel free to send me a message if you just need someone to commiserate with you.
Jason and I decided to start trying for a family in December 2009. I got off the pill and quickly became obsessive over charting. After a few months of having no cycle, I decided to see my OB to make sure everything was ok. She prescribed Clomid for 3 months to see if that would jump start my body and help me to conceive. Three months and three negative tests later, my OB referred me to reproductive specialist. We went to the RE doctor where I was diagnosed with PCOS, but we had a game plan, and I left hopeful. In August 2010, we had our first IUI and 2 weeks later found out we were pregnant! We were ecstatic and so thankful. The next 13 weeks went by fast, and the next thing I knew we were at our last 1st trimester appointment. Jason and I were excited to see our little one on the screen that day. I remember that day vividly - the tech pulled out the wand and begin taking measurements but was really quiet. She left the room and came back in with the doctor who told me they couldn't find a heart beat. He was gone - just like that. I had a D&C and begin to grieve the little one we would never know this side of heaven.
Two weeks after our loss
We went back to my RE who told me that the miscarriage shouldn't have happened that late since he was genetically normal, and we had seen the heart beat 3 separate times. He wanted to run tests on me. Two months later, we found out that I had several clotting disorders that possibly could have caused a clot in the placenta. The fix was extra folic acid, a baby aspirin and heparin every day in our next pregnancy. The next few months were filled with 2 failed IUIs and recovering still from our loss. In July 2011, our 4th IUI was a success and we were pregnant again! I felt like everything was under control with this one. I couldn't wait to meet our little one in just 9 short months.
But that was not the plan that happened. A week later we lost our 2nd baby. To say that I was depressed was an understatement. One miscarriage I could handle but now 2. Two. I was in the category of women that no one wanted to be. A statistic. My heart was heavy. We headed to NYC soon after, and I drowned my sorrows in good food and Starbucks coffee.
We decided to take a break that fall because I couldn't handle any more heart break. After Thanksgiving we decided to start trying again, and we had our 5th IUI in December. The day after Christmas we received the best news - we were pregnant! Those 9 months were the longest months of my life. To be honest, I was always so nervous something was going to happen. But GOD IS SO GOOD and in August 2012, we welcomed the most wonderful beautiful miracle into the world. Our little E. She is a living testament to God's faithfulness.
I hope you find encouragement in this story. That even in the despair that you're happy ending is coming. I always found it encouraging that throughout the Bible there are stories of women who were infertile (Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth) and yet God saw them and he heard them and He granted their requests. He hears your cries to become a mother. God is so faithful and He has not forgotten you. I'm praying for you even if I don't know your name.
Sweet Elizabeth! I had no idea you had been through so much. I'm so sorry for your losses. We lost two babies last year, and there were days when I felt like the grief might crush me. We never saw it coming, just took for granted how easy it was to get pregnant with Parker Ann. Now we are on pregnancy #3 of the year, due in June. Everything looks good so far, but I have never felt fear like I did early in this pregnancy. I felt incapable of handling another loss so soon, and just could not see another way after losing two. It took me months to feel joy rather than fear in this pregnancy, really until we found out the gender. I feel guilty about that, but now that we are more than halfway and I am feeling him all the time, I feel like I can finally walk in that joy. Today is one year since our first miscarriage, and I can look back on all the ways the Lord held us and helped us through the heartbreak. It may be weird to say, but I have never felt so loved. He was near, and so faithful, the entire time. Teaching us to lean on Him, teaching me to give up control and enjoy the moment with the blessings we have. Teaching me how to believe through hard circumstances, and to praise Him in all seasons. He did a LOT in our marriage through this, creating such a safe place for both Joe Dan and I, and really letting me see the depth of love we have and the way my husband was willing to serve me through such a difficult time. He gave us the gift of community, in unexpected places. Praise the Lord for His goodness, even in loss. Sorry this is so long. Also, surprise! I read your blog! :) Thank you so much for sharing your story. If y'all decide to try for more kids, I would love to pray for you. xo
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