HOPE

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produced character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5: 3-5

No one was more excited for 2010 to be over than me. Ok - I am sure there are other people more excited but trust me I am up there on the list. Last year was a very hard year for me and Jason. To be honest, probably one of the hardest years of my life. There was a lot of pain and heartache, a lot of stress, and a lot of waiting on the Lord for his timing and perfect plan.

In May, Jason got offered a job that would have giving us financial stability so that I could be a stay at home mom when the time came. After several weeks of prayer and fasting, we accepted the job that would start in September. In May, I also started taking fertility drugs to start trying to have a family. The summer was filled with Jason studying for his certification and me - taking more fertility drugs only to be discouraged every month when the test showed negative. In September, Jason started his new job and we found out we were pregnant!! We were so excited and couldn't wait to become parents. Things began to progress well and I was vomiting pretty much every day without medication and yet I was so excited that it was happening because I knew that it was a good sign.

Then, some things happened at Jason's new job and they weren't able to keep him on full time. The Lord completely provided, however, and Jason was able to get a contract job really quickly to cover finances until a full time job appeared. And then on November 11, Jason and I went in for our 13 week sonogram, and we found out that our little precious baby had died two weeks prior. To say we were beyond devastated was an understatement. I felt like my heart had been ripped apart and to make matters worse I had to have a D&C to take out the baby because it was unsafe for me to miscarry on my own. The few weeks after the devastating news were a blur. I ached for the baby that I was no longer carrying and cried ALOT. Everything reminded me that I wasn't pregnant anymore.

BUT through all of these trials, God has been very near. He has not left us and I find great comfort in that. God knew that what happened at Jason's job was going to happen before we did. He prepared a way for Jason to accept another job that will give him great opportunities and we are very excited for him to start it in a couple of weeks. God knew the days that our baby had before we did. He gives life and He takes life. He knew that on November 11 that we would hear the saddest news of our lives and in his love and mercy, he surrounded us with a wonderful group of believers who prayed for us, brought us meals and cried with us as we grieved the loss of our child. God's love was so very near that it brings tears to my eyes to write of all that he has done for us. The past month I have cried out to God so many times to find comfort in Him and to fill me with a joy that can only come from Him. And through all of this, God has continually brought me back to the word hope.

But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. Ps. 71: 14, 20

Hope. What a beautiful word. Hope that through all of my sufferings that it will get me more of Jesus. Hope that this life isn't all there is - that there is a greater eternal life waiting for me because I have put my hope in Christ's death and resurrection. Hope that my God is faithful and will never forsake me. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for the blessing of a child in God's perfect timing. Hope. I don't know why this happened to us and I probably never will this side of heaven, but what I do know is that I have experienced my God in a completely new way and I would never change that in a million years. My prayer is that my hope would be in Christ alone - no matter what does or doesn't happen. For nothing else truly matters.